Dark Spirit

I love you.

2011-04-04T18:43:00.002+02:00

I wish to tell you... I really really miss you. We really shouldn't argue. Deep within, I truly wish it is the distance's fault. Every moment, my heart aches when I think of you. I don't wish to give up. I really hope that it is the distance's fault. I'm happy with you. I feel natural with you. Over the years, your smile never fails to get me to believe... that you are happy with me. I want to say this moment in time to myself, no matter what happens... "I love you."

Anger.

2010-02-09T16:28:00.002+02:00

ANGER.

Do you know how it feels to love, get really angry and hurt at the same time?

It feels that you've been strangled slowly.

If the person still unable understand the reason why I felt this way, then I suppose I should keep my distance before I blow up and do something implusive.

Dreams don't lie II

2009-07-29T06:49:00.006+02:00

Dreams don't lie II

I have not a clue as to what has gotten into me...

I dream about you twice... on Sunday and yesterday night~ both has something to do with jealousy. Every time I woke up from it, I feel a great sense of loss, anger, jealousy and worry.

It is over.
But I know it is not over in my heart... it is not the feelings that died. It is the time, space and the differences in lifestyles that had divided us.

I don't know why, I wondered why too. I even wondered how can I rid myself of this warm feelings.

These dreams are nightmares, haunting me...torturing me.

I don't have the time, energy nor the privilege to patch up again. I do not wish to create another heart aching, heart breaking situation...

Questions like this had been brought up by people:
"So are there still feelings?"
There's no need to even hesitate or think... the answer would simply be: "If we were physically together or the level of understanding was there... everything would've still been the same."

So why am I here writing this?

This is...
Not to beg for any mercy, comfort or any sort of things that makes me looks like I've regretted.
This passage ain't words of regrets.

These are thoughts of you, the past and the present.
A sense of longing, an attachment of my feelings for you... dependence.

In other words, in your kind of language...

I miss you.

.

A rush of adrenalin and anger makes one do stupid things.

2009-07-24T09:20:00.006+02:00

A rush of adrenalin and anger makes one do stupid things.

Damn.

I almost get bro and myself killed during the trip back to Cape Town... I don't know why I choose to drive like that.

Geez... Trucks that choose not to give way, kicking up rubbles and stones from their huge tyres, into my windscreen~ those rubbles are flying like bees into us, making little scratches all over.

A fit of rage flies into me...

I tried to overtake the truck uphill, driving into the opposite lane~just as both the truck and us reached the hilltop... I was hoping that there wouldn't be a car------ but I see a truck. But luckily for me, the truck was at a distance away.

I don't know what gone into me.
I did it again and again~

Alot of people say my driving is reckless, they couldn't understand that my driving is simply being fast and efficient. I cut roads, I take on bends, I like the Adrenalin rush--- That to me is not reckless, since I know what I am doing.

But yesterday's incidents made me aware of myself... Thats reckless.
Yesterday's incidents were nothing but reckless.

I can't get it out of my head yesterday.
The moment I heard mum's voice over the phone, I feel so guilty.
I immediately confessed and apologised.

Guilt that I almost made a irregrettable mistake.
Guilt that I don't think rationally.

Guilt that I almost cause great pain to mum and dad.

Why didn't I see that I am not driving alone?
I can't guarantee that I won't do that again...

But if I am tempted again, I will remind myself of yesterday.

What an idiot I was.

Weak.

2009-07-10T19:58:00.003+02:00

Weak.

Why am I so weak...

You crave for it...
You had it.

It hurt you...
You discard it.

You crave for another...
Hurt once again.

You seek it...
You seek the it that you've discarded.

You weak.
You try to hang on to it...
You hope for the it you once had...

You weak.
You can't accept that it is not the same...

Face it.

What had become of me?
What is wrong with me?
Why am I so weak?

Let me atone for what I've done.

Silent Hill & Yoko Kanno

2009-06-17T13:14:00.003+02:00

SILENT HILL

Yesterday, completed Silent Hill1... my goodness.

Since the final year of high school, I've always wanted to complete each of the Silent Hill series... Played SH2 during my army days, enjoyed it very much- simply sad, intriguing and emotional. After the army, I downloaded SH4 and completed it too- the design of the game is really good, creatures and monster design especially. But the whole effort was ruin by the storyline. It is totally incomparable to the SH2 and SH1.

My instinctive grading of SH1 is pretty straight forward: Shocking. Disturbing.
I've yet play any game that seriously made me feel so disturbed that probably want to make me finish it as quickly as I tried to do with SH1.

The graphics on the game ain't impressive yet, like Peter said "...the poor graphics allow your mind to fill in the gaps, and make it look even scarier..." Monsters are everywhere, packed up so much of a challenge that you rather not fight if you don't have to. Talking about scary moments with monsters, I doubt I can forget those moments of running without a map in the Alternate World, with creatures popping up in the darkness at every turn. That's impressive.

Storyline wise... Honestly, for some reasons, I don't seem to follow much about the plot- The live-action movie kinda filled alot of details in for me. Haha~ I can't believe it myself. But some moments in the story are seriously both intriguing and highly disturbing. 2 moments to be exact- 1st is the way Cybil died. 2nd is the way Lisa Garnet died. When I think of chicks in game, especially hot ones, they normally survive or die in a quick and non-graphical manner. Yet, in the world of Silent Hill, it seems to be a fair world for everyone.

Silent Hill 1 is probably one of the best horror game I've played so far, with it's clever camera angles, challenging monsters and DARINGLY-disturbing moments. Silent Hill 2 is also one of the best horror games around, a sick kind of romantic moment- really sad stuff...for a horror based love story.

Silent Hill 4 was quite a let down though... Now I am left with SH3 and SH5 to play... Looking forward to play SH3 coz SH5 is not developed by Team Silent. But as life is, I've got SH5 in my hands now` haha~ will probably start on it soon.

I like this picture- Very strong and striking.

Beside games, recently I've been very crazy about O.S.Ts of Ghost in the Shell series and Cowboy Bebop series.

Got my hands on them from Shitesh and Peter, been listening to them for 4 weeks straight already. They became favourite music when I study for my exams, although the only side effects is sometime , the track got stuck inside my head, constantly looping itself when I AM WRITING THE EXAMS!!! For example, the song Velveteen from the album, Ghost in the Shell: Stand Alone Complex O.S.T...kept repeating and repeating.

Most of the music of the 2 anime are composed by 1 amazing lady , and her name is Yoko Kanno . She deserves my respect for her sense of music.

From rock to jazz to techno to funky classical to pop, she did it all.

I totally understand why Andrew(Shitesh's friend) only listen to her music and nothing else. If a person has some good appreciation for Music itself, they would understand totally.

Now, I am totally immersed in her world of music........................

Going back!

2009-01-27T21:11:00.003+02:00

Going back!

Geez like it~ for some reasons, going back to Cape Town kinda give me the same annoying feeling. The feeling of booking-in on a Sunday night.

haha~ now the time is 2133hrs` and I haven't even started packing~~ aiyaya~

Somehow, right now~ I don't really feel very home-sick like last year June... maybe because bro and dad is accompanying me this time~

Yet on the direct opposite, I was feeling kinda sad and home-sick a few days ago....... this holiday is really long.

Can't wait till next year's.

I'm greedy I know :)

Yesterday, Alan's dad came over to bai nian and went out with dad to tuan bai, but Alan stayed and went swimming with bro` Look at them, freaking all dressed up in the pool- must be shy. -_- and the funnest thing is when they finally remove their top, they are afraid of the cold water... in the end, they even go and do that "1, 2 ,3 enter!" thinge~~~ hahaha~ I can only laugh hysterically at them from my room!

Was chatting to Qing about the "orange world"~ here's a pic to illustrate` although this pic was not even close to what I was seeing...haha~ it was so orange that you just can't help keep staring` even for me- this is really first of its kind.

Going back to Cape Town is like going back to reality, a true start to 2009.

If I say I am looking forward to it, I am DEFINITELY lying to myself~ haha` but if I say I am not looking forward to starting my 2nd year~ I think there is something wrong with me...haha~ as scared as I am right now about the stress and pressure I am going to face in 1 month's time, I am just as excited.

What can I do this year? How will I fare in my 2nd year studies... can I do better or will I do worse?

I can only try. Try my best in the coming future.

For some reason, my motivations aint coming from myself... somehow, my heart just kept telling me that I must make them proud of their son. It used to be very personal aims and ideals... but now, after these days living with Dad, Mum and bro..... my studies didn't just matter about myself anymore...

It became a family thing called Glory and Honour.

Bro will be on the same Engineering route although different paths.

I will be striving.

To make our parents proud.

Tomorrow, I will be on my way back to Cape Town.... bro and I will be driving, swopping drives at rest points~ need to sleep earlier tonight.

I feel that I am starting to become the serious me again... :) haha~ scary stuff.

Don't like that kind of myself...yet, I had to when it comes to serious matters.

Shadow of a friend.

2009-01-24T22:08:00.004+02:00

Shadow of a friend...

Days gone, never again.

For me, I am the kind of person who doesn't look back and always make logical decisions and choices... I move on.

I am also quite heartless and lack of feelings- I always see emotions as hassle and waste of energy.

Now, I am having trouble adjusting to the fact that abi will not be coming back... that feeling lingers around my thoughts, the songs "I miss you" and "Shadow of the day" stuck inside of my head.

It is hard to accept.
Unexpectedly harder than I had imagined.

I'm pretty sure he can't bear to leave everyone here...

I hope he will do well over there~

I'm sure we see each other again in the future- as Engineers.

Take care till then.

What does it meant to be the Man of a family.

2009-01-15T13:51:00.004+02:00

What does it meant to be the Man of a family?

Had this little conversation with mum a few days ago, talking about different kinds of fathers.

And she said that Dad is a true family man.

He is a good man, doesn't drink, doesn't smoke, doesn't gamble, faithful, harkworking, take cares of family needs. Even though he is short-tempered, super stubborn and bad tempered.

And thats her definition of a good family man.

Today, I was driving on the road back home with Sujun ahyi and her husband's sis ~ as we were approaching home, I saw the most crazy thing ever.

Dad on the tree outside the house , sawing off branches... the tree ain't your average tree, it is a big acorn tree. I was shocked. So was everyone in the car.

What da hell is he thinking?

I've heard him complaining about the tree for a long time, saying that the government took such a long time to send ppl down to trim the tree.... but doing this himself by climbing the damn tree in the middle of the road(where the wind is the strongest, and PE is famous for their gusts), at a dangerous height of at least 4 HDB storeys high~

I know dad is a 50+yr old man with a 20 year old's heart but he really ought to think hard before attempting such stunt.

2parents, 1 wife, 2 children....

Have he ever thought about that?

I gave him a little lecture on all the logic behind his actions... seriously hope that there will not be a second time. This isn't a laughing matter .

A slip, 1 gust of wind, 1 wrong step.

Could be too late for everything, too late for regrets.

Hope he wake up his idea soon.

Everyone needs him, he ain't a damn monkey .

I still care.

2009-01-06T19:28:00.003+02:00

帮個忙。
为好友解個愁。。。

谈女友。
幸福与爱情事。。。

聊啊聊。
心也痛了一下。。。

想起了。
我和妳的甜蜜。。。

思念着。
曾经的过去式。。。

空气中。
妳的味道，体温。。。

耳边风。
笑声中的撒娇。。。

想着晴。
有头没尾的情。。。

我恨我。
没能力，没勇气。。。

没时间。
包容妳的一切。。。

分了分。
狂笑地哭泣了。。。

两个月。
忘不了，伤仍存。。。

奇怪吧。
这麽妳我都痛了。。。

我知道。
妳恨我的抉择。。。

但是呢。
我知妳心有数。。。

别骗我~
对不起。
我让妳孤独了。
我让妳受伤了。

妳愛的不是我。
现在，这样的我。

我没能力。
无法安稳，轻松的迈向我的未来。

这条路。
我必须勇往直前。

看着未来。
我期待妳的笑容。
让我快乐的，
笑容。

妳我会再见面的。
“吃个饭吧。”
不吃炒饭。。。
“喝杯茶吧。”
一杯孟婆茶。。。

或许。
童话故事会是真的。
妳说呢？

心不甘。
现在。
我不能犹豫。
我只能祝福。

开心。
幸福。
安全感。
希望。。。
未来的他能带给妳我无法的。。。一切。
实现出。。。
妳以来向往的。。。那一段美丽恋情。

真心的
真心祝。
真心祝。

One dream forgotten and gathered back

2009-01-03T09:13:00.001+02:00

"...Was at a kopitiam in Singapore, looked like the old bukit batok kopitiam where parents used to have a store.... Me, Hamster, yoke chee, jason and another army pal....having a joyous time chatting and laughing...ordering foods and drinks....taking pics....having a little negotiation with the stall keeper because one of my food never arrived.............."

DING Ding DONG Dong~~~

I woke up from a dream.
Someone pressed the doorbell.

Forgotten about the dream...Can't even recalled what dream I was dreaming moments...can't believe it.

Only after I fed the dog and decided to blog about my amnesia, that the brain suddenly recalled.

Dad's little amusement of placing my old car plate on Yong's house... but he took it off afterwards, probably the look of it is too striking~

geez like it... was off too.

Slept pretty late last night, probably too tired and also being interrupted in the middle of my sleep.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Today is 3rd of January 2009 0935hrs.

Judging from the entry I did on main blog... I can see that I ain't really excited about the new year. Probably because a year flew past me in a flash, I still remember very clearly the day I wrote the year end blog for 07'....

Life is too short. If it is only for another 100 years...

Count to a 100.
It's fast aint?
My 1 year flew right out of my sight before I could embrace it.

Embracing it probably mean doing something memorable or meaningful...
I am doing something memorable and meaningful. Doing my first year.
Busy and more busy...
No time to think of anything else at all.

Boo! (took this photo just by staring at the lens... looked kinda scary ain't?)

Maybe...life is like so.
then, this life is so dull and monotonous
Repeating and repeating...

Such life cycle belong to humans...
The self-proclaimed best-creature-to-be on Earth.
I do agreed that there is nothing better than being a human.

I love life.
There isn't anything that I want most other than longevity.
Yet I seriously dislike the life cycle of humans.

I seek an answer, an explanation, a relieve.

Can't believe that most people live their life blindly till their very last breathe.
Remembered, forgotten and remembered again...
Just like a dream.

I do not wish that life is like so.
Ignorantly began and soon after....ignorantly disappeared from this world, from people's memories and from existence.

Maybe it would give a feeling that I am still too young to be thinking about such issues but I just can't help it when I look at people's life cycle.

We are just here to reproduce.
When the time comes...
We are just like everything else...

Enlighten me.

Just a random quick kind of update!

2008-12-27T17:02:00.000+02:00

G.T.O~~~~~~~~~One of my favourite manga! Should write about this classic one day.

hehe~

Just a random quick kind of update!

To be honest, this is the first proper post for this secondary blog...

Don't really know how to make it impressive or striking.

So~ I decide the theme of this blog will be a wild one~

Back here in PE for 6 weeks le` these days, were warm and happy days...

Back together... 4 of us , as a family whole.

Sweet, warm and fuzzy.

Went to Sardinia bay with bro during one of the Sundays.

Bringing back what they called Family feeling. I've lost it after living on my own for bout 4 years...(3 in SG and 1 in CPT)

For the first few weeks after arrival , everyday was just relaxing... playing games(HL2,mirror war) , watching animes (Bleach) , playing basketball during the evening at the netball court infront...first time playing with bro at the same place since 4 years ago........and first time dad join us~ having fun altogether. First time , I seen dad's other side... haha~ actually, it is just that he has a different kind of character that most couldn't understand.

This kind of lifestyle continues... everyday and night... peaceful and harmonious.

Started working at the auto-body workshop for 8 days... it is really cool. I get to understand how the local ppl live their lives better. They are truely hardworking.

Then I start wondering... how come... I get to be fortunate while they have to work in such an environment. I am not clever nor are they stupid. They smiled , they laughed, they joked. While... someone like me who was lucky to be educated have to worry and frown everyday... If they have the chance... to be educated~ I can't help but wonder how far they will get.

walao eh~ when I first saw this pic... I really thought I am in Egypt or something...topless?!

I really learnt and experienced alot ... may it be skills or life itself.

It is truely memorable.

After the working period, almost everyday~ I will constantly being bugged by thoughts of studies. Haha~ honestly, before the holidays started, I kinda had this plan to study abit during the holidays~ a little head start or a finish up for my 1st year Maths(didn't finish studying everything and went to the examination :P)

Yet~ haha~ kinda lack the motivation...only increasing feeling of pressure and nagging inside my head!

This place is really beautiful...

ARRRGGGH~!!

I really need to start on it soon... NO REGRETS!

well~~ beside all of this, there is this little "past time" of mine through my holidays... that is to research on cars!!

Bro's application will determine if he will get a car or not! Thus... I am really excited about it, more enthusiastic than him. Haha~

My first obsession is the popular Volkswagen 1.4i polo! then... after is the stylish Peugeot 207 (what a beaut) and more recently is the Toyota Yaris 5 dr hatch...

>.<

But of course, the main reason I wish that he got into dentistry is probably because that I like the fact that a family will have 1 engineer and 1 dentist. 2 different specializations instead of both doing engineering.

Also~ it is dad's dream. :)

Really really like this picture...totally picture my heart out!

Year is coming close to a conclusion again~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ai yayaya~! Haha~~

may this kind of feelings be remembered~

My other self.

2008-12-18T13:54:00.000+02:00

My other kind of expressions.

I've always wanted another blog to write on. Something dark.

I wanna relieve that stress here.

Also, here~

The music are kinda different.
Only some will appreciate it as much as I do... :)

Not to be mistakened.
This blog capture some of my fleeting thoughts... My main blog represents the rest of me.

Don't stay here for too long oh